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Creative Writing Challenge

Rob Fragilenine from Australia on 2001-05-04 05:04 [#00005575]

Ok, everyone. Here's what you should do: Write a short story
about one of the subjects below. It has to include the word
Aphex at least 4 times, just to give it a reason to be in
this mb.

1. Biscuits
2. Continuing the story of Giuseppi (see the subject 'My go
3. How to... do something
4. Eating cheese
5. Write your own!
6. I don't care!
7. The Number 7
8. Remember me
9. Notify me of future updates
9. Did you notice?
9. Did you?
9. The number 9 is here 4 times!
4. I am Rob Fragilenine.
9370. IZ-US a part of this?
8680. To Pure A Weakling Child.
-1. Negative Alpha Index

Of course you should. Like all other people.


TekN010G from Australia on 2001-05-04 10:36 [#00005613]

negative alpha index anagram
(french accent ) la gae index : aphex tvin

I'm bored


wizards teeth from a shop that sells hats on 2001-05-04 10:53 [#00005616]

Biscuits - By Wizards Teeth

In Nineteen Hundred and Six I was not born but I still
managed to invent a new biscuit.

It happened by accident, thirteen Pheasants flew into my
side as I was sleeping, I was not roused but my hair did
learn to talk during this period. The pheasants were not
repelled by my body they were absorbed, luckily I had not
consumed the radiator that had been fried by my mother.

If you remove "er" from mother and the "her" from father you
are left with the items that my parents are :

My mother = a moth

My father = a piece of fat (bacon fat to be exact)

With an upbringing of that nature no wonder I did not attend
university. I can cook amazing pancakes if you allow me
enough time to practice.

Close your eyes and imagine a bulldog dressed as a dalek
with a Ken Dodd mask pushing a wheelbarrow filled with
mackerel's dreams from Kent to Tibet. This makes me sad.

If I close my eyes and imagine a pony called Ian playing
cards with the indoor bowls world champion in the u-bend of
my sink, drinking melted wax out of a peregrines skull. I
will smile.

I was once out of work so I decided to make some extra money
to pay for my habit habit (I am addicted to dressing as a
monk). I thought for a few minutes and realised there was a
niche in the market. I am opened a night class teaching
people how to tie shoes. I have all the necessary
credentials, I studied at Oxford for three years and then
became a professor in this field. I also won the Nobel prize
for shoe tying when I invented those special laces that
require no knot. My 100,000-word thesis was accepted by the
world of science as one of the most important pieces of
literature about tying shoes. I discovered the following
equation after years of experiments :

Circumference of ankle + Thickness of Achilles
tendon = Length of lace / 6

Anyway as I was saying, I invented a new biscuit. It had a
little piece of jam on top with a nut shaped like a claw. It
was very tasty.

I think it would be nice if everyone stopped fighting and
all wars ended. Everyone give each other a big cuddle and
think about hair!

The End


wizards teeth from a shop that sells hats on 2001-05-04 16:48 [#00005655]

"My goodness" my mother said as I danced naked inside a
giant apple. I scooped the insides out and fitted a dance
floor, the entry fee was only £3.50 and a free drink was
also supplied. I am afraid all drinks are based around
apples (apple juice etc etc).

It serves her right, she should have bought me some new skin
for my birthday. She also revealed that Santa Clause did not
exist and was actually a magic snail that has the face of a
horse and the knees of a sheep.

Stop pumping Henry, the carpenter is about to juggle some

My carpets are dirty
I need to clean them soon
I shouldn't have purchased a pelican
I should have bought a vacuum.

I need to lift some onions
I need to move some bronze
I must prepare a ransom note
I am going to Kidnap the Fonze

I must invent some languages
That use stances instead of sound
I will then have no use for my tongue
I will bury it in the ground

A fox has stretched my face
I was being quite crass and rude
I was gesticulating quite loudly
And all my budgies were nude.


Glitch from New Zealand on 2001-05-04 17:57 [#00005658]

The Number 7...or The # VII... or neveS .oN ehT


Dont get me started on the number seven, which is by far the
most evil of numbers.

If I can be permitted I will go back in time a few hours, to
7 o'clock to be exact. It was at this ill fated time that my
Grandparents felt was appropriate to drop in and say hello,
bringing with them my decrepit aging and rotting Great
Grandmother, who as I can rightly remember thought it lovely
to give me fifty cents for my ""7th"" birthday, an error on
her part; anyway, here they were, these strange old people
milling about my house, and of course they brought with them
the old person smell, which I have on good authority is a
perservative named no other than "ad nausem no.7"

Well after I fed these historic reptiles their customary
cake and coffee (mmm coffee) I coaxed them out of the house
with subtle words and set about cleaning the old person
smell out with great doses of ventolin and flim.

[skip back to present time]

Now I have noticed a direct correlation between the no.7 and
plane crashes, it apears that science can back me up with
solid proof on this anomally, every seventh day "sunday"
there is a flux in the magnetic fields of earth due to
shifting tectonic plates and the filtered particles of the
sun which have passed through the ozone, all these factors
come together to cause the air to thin out at higher
altitudes, thusly the planes lack momentum and can not
maintain height and crash in the middle of their journey.

The number Seven has also been found responsible for the
following incidents=

1. the great wall of china
2. the fall of a certain communist leader
3. the rise in sitcom popularity
4. dogs chasing cars
5. me pissing in the toilet while people paid to watch and
take pictures
6. the artist formerly known as prince showing up in the
english comedy "Big Train"
7. Satan losing the war against God


Glitch from New Zealand on 2001-05-05 10:23 [#00005699]

READ IT !!! (spoken in the voice of homer simpson)


hevquip from a house made of pasta on 2001-05-07 00:38 [#00005794]

it is unfortunate that you have not used centerpieces as a
topic. you have not mentioned what the prize for the contest
is either. how i hope it is a bucket.

my centerpiece is an antelope. often i find myself in a
dialog with my centerpiece on the versitility on
pronounciation of the word "canepas". i believe canepas are
a food, preferably spanish, and believe the word to be
pronouned "ka nay pas". my centerpiece disagrees and says it
is in fact "cana paws". often i end the dialog early by
purchasing as many grommets in the time it would take new
kids on the block to say the word "pagliani" while teaching
ferrets to dance upon an open air fish market. then i bathe
in a carton of socks that were once worn by a persian king
named hoy roy. i always must be sure to bed myself early so
that i can wake up at 6:38 or by the time i have purchased
toast so that i may shout at more than 47 decibels, but less
than 23974.348 so as not to accidently wake up the butcher i
purchase my venison and alphabromides from and greet a james
dean imposter wearing knickers


©Human on 2001-05-07 02:20 [#00005802]

Rob, did you get an assignment to do and run out of time?


Rob Fragilenine from Australia on 2001-05-08 01:22 [#00005854]

I'd have to say wizard's teeth would be the winner here, and
no, i didn't have an assignment, i just wanted to see how
twisted everyone on this mb is...


Rob Fragilenine from Australia on 2001-05-08 01:28 [#00005855]

the prize that WT will receive is a lovely bucket full of
cow cud, with a side order of mayonnaise topped with some
acid jam (which is personally my favourite), worth
$33.33333333 and not available in the shops... thanx to all
people who entered.


snufkin from auckland new zealand on 2001-05-08 08:23 [#00005875]

oh..... i'm so slow.... but please read my year 12 speech if
you can......
entitled: The Onion King.

I was looking around on the internet one time, as you do and
I remembered I had to find a speech. So off I went looking
for speech topics. Mistake number one. Don't type in the
word speech in a search engine. It started off all "nice
and happy" with topics such as "Has political correctness
gone too far?", "Why Jesus?" and "Are friendships between
men different from those between women?" but, to my horror,
the internet turned against me, and I was being offered
topics like "How to be a good Transvestite", the puberty
rites of primitive societies and "How to rape a shellfish
when it's still alive". Now, this isn't the kind of speech I
could perform to people like you, because I'm sure that they
wouldn't enhance your ability to become what you have come
to believe is an essentially better human being. That's
right, this speech is on the very essence that makes
cell-phones rings, the ultimate weapon in mate hunting.
Ok, maybe I'm over reacting a little, as I did manage to
download most of this speech AND I somehow became an
honorary member of Dick's galore. I actually copied it of a
friend called Jon who, who managed to download it and become
an honorary member of Buns and Thighs.
But seriously, I have a speech to perform or a computer to
attend to. (Pause) Now, this might sound a little strange,
(it looks perfectly fine) but in my childhood, I was a big
fan of the Cabbage Patch queen, the bitch from the ditch.
Cabbage Patch queen, you ponder? Well, the story/speech goes
a little like this. One day, a pretty little Japanese girl
named Shoko, who had a fetish for body piecing and a banana
behind her left ear, was scoffing down a meat sculpture,
courtesy of universal beef, whilst trying to dry her nail
polish. Just another ordinary day in the life of her best
friend that she was extremely jealous of for being so
extreme. But no, today, WAS diffferent. This was the day
that the first sign of the international noodle crisis
reared its slimy head. Later that very day our little miss
Shoko, just like an ordinarily beautiful two headed, three
faced Japanese karate expert, went out to buy some noodles
from the local chips and curry. BuT!, to her horror, she was
informed that, due to an unusually severe breakout of
leprosy among the Chinese parliament, the citizens had
finally started a capitalist takeover of China, and she was
to be charged "two hundred and forty seven dollar for curry
Now, I'm sure you can imagine how poor Shoko felt after
spending two hundred and forty seven dollars on what
appeared to be some very plain curry flavored noodles. When
Shoko got mad, Shoko got mad, and when Shoko got mad she
called on her longtime lover and yoga instructor and bicycle
repairman, all in one tight package for only 3 ease
payments, for help. "Kore wa baishikuru ripeaman no shigoto
desu", she said quietly to herself, but due to bicycle
repairman's latest bout of scrotum tumors, Cabbage Scratch
Queen, was next in line for her shot at hunky dory glory.
From humble beginnings as the face of Loreal, the soon to be
Queen sardine saw her chance, when a poor as pie Hungarian
shyster found an opportunity to make some easy peasy money.
He went out and purchased the Chinese brave slave labour
factory that mass produced those little white pieces of
paper with jokes on that come inside Christmas crackers.
Within hours all of China had been in uproar that a
Hungarian had invested in a Chinese specialty, the
completely unfunny joke (of which it had traded the rights
off Germany, in exchange for the funniest accent). But worst
of all, the noodle workers had gone on strike. Enter Cabbage
bomber Queen. Now this might sound a little stranger but,
while in a conference discussing whether or not to invest in
the cheaper glue, or more potent leather polish, my Cabbage
Queen sardine revealed her true Ph.D identity to the other
equally faceless disciples and received a mixed response of
nods and idle nose picking. Unfazed, Queen Cab quickly
toweled off the excess oil that was dripping from her
voluptuous cabbage patch body, threw on a bathrobe, and in
true super hero style jumped on her broom, and flew off to
China. Just another ordinary day you might think, but no,
this was the queens big break to do some real superheroing.
A few hours later, after a worldwide ride, in china, on an
un-named street, the local tobacconist had started the first
riot against the communist regime. "We want to sell out to
Hungarians" he would yell over and over, "Freedom of fucking
speech". This nonsense had to stop. It was time. Queen
Cabbage slid off her broom and took to the stage, like bacon
to warm milk. "You don't want your country to turn into an
over-populated Australia" she screeched over the top of the
morning exercise classes being conducted , "you don't want
to sell your entire cheap plastic industry, and live like
you always have lived, in poverty". Cabbage didn't for a
minute, question her persuasiveness even as it quickly
occurred to her that everyone, except the tobacconist, was
Chinese and didn't speak English. So, after a successful day
in china of self-promotion by means of dancing in the
street, she acquired 4 different types of cheese and drove
home to her Sydney apartment. The interesting part of the
story is that a few hours later, the Hungarian shyster sold
up and moved back to Hungary due to an argument with the
missus and the noodle workers got bored of requesting money
for working and went back to work. Yes, its all in the life
of the Cabbage. And yes, 2 minutes later the bottom fell out
of the noodle industry and the prices went back down to
below rock bottom.
So now that you know the beginning of the story of how
Cabbage Patch Ugly Bitch Queen became Feral Sheryl, captured
forever as the rider of my little horny, a cross between a
camel(humps on back), a unicorn(sharp humps) and my little
pony(a childrens toy). I'm sure you can now appreciate the
life you lead much more; and who knows, maybe one day you
may be in a situation just like Cabbage and you could burst
out of your mold and drive off to china. But remember,
beware of good looking Hungarian shysters, and embrace the
face of the adventurous and the extreme. Thank you for
listening. All my love, Mel.


Wizard MAC on 2001-05-08 12:07 [#00005882]

1. Biscuits
2. Continuing the story of Giuseppi (see the subject 'My go
3. How to... do something
4. Eating cheese
5. Write your own!
6. I don't care!
7. The Number 7
8. Remember me
9. Notify me of future updates
9. Did you notice?
9. Did you?
9. The number 9 is here 4 times!
4. I am Rob Fragilenine.
9370. IZ-US a part of this?
8680. To Pure A Weakling Child.
-1. Negative Alpha Index


Wizard MaC from Amersfoort on 2001-05-08 12:15 [#00005883]

What the?!?!
I'm sure I've done something wrong....
(I pressed ENTER.....)
but here's my real story:

I've got a song, called "Children Eating (And Rating)
Cheese, and it has got Aphex-like drill-beats and a
"childish", happy melody. A bit like Donkey Rhubarb.
Eating cheese is a very interesting subject, because there
are a lot of things you can do with cheese.
For example, you can put an Aphex record on and eat cheese,
but you can
also eat an Aphex record and put cheese in your CD-player.
Never done it myself, but I think it would be a cheesy
Does anyone knows if Aphex likes cheese?


Wizard MaC from Amersfoort on 2001-05-08 12:53 [#00005885]

My stories in Dutch are a lot better than my stories in
english, so here's one for the dutch people around

Gisteravond rolde er een rol biscuit door m'n brievenbus. De
rol bleek afkomstig van een geilige beer die zojuist met een
AFX-parasol wegvloog op een bakfiets.
De waterval kwam tot stilstand en zodoende pakte ik de
biscuit-rol en flikkerde deze in de wasbak.
Onterecht, bleek beer was namelijk een grote fan
van AFX.
Toen ik even later de daken van Chinatown betrad terwijl ik
naar een song van AFx luisterde sprong er tot mijn
ontstelling een man met groene armen in de menigte.
De menigte sprong uiteen in blauw en bruin en evenlater
belandde ik weer in m'n achtertuin met de rol biscuit in m'n
De AFX-song had z'n werk gedaan, bleek later in de bus.


M on 2001-05-08 18:16 [#00005902]

I lay in a mountain of used tires, wounded and bleeding in
my own vomit. After that I threw up in my own blood. The
only currency I had were some tropical bird feathers. I
lacked a rasberry doughnut, in fact, there was to be no
doughnut of any flavor to partake on the journey through my
digestive system that day. I had let down the dung beetles
who were hoping for me to convert a nice edible substance
from them. I purposely don't recycle my cans anymore, on the
theory that it would only serve to delay our planets doom.
My new mission was to destroy our planet. Let it suffer no
longer. Though a lifeform in it's own right, a giant mass of
organized energy, it hasn't evolved to feel pain. Yet it's
pain is sucked directly through a perpendicular nexus and
into my head. Which explains why I lie here in my blood and
vomit. I struggled away from my seudo-grave, continuing to
leave a trail of my own vomit and blood. My self destructive
mission was to begin. I attempted to purchase a boat with my
feather currency but when the merchant saw my face he fled
in terror, leaving the boat for me. I first goal in
destroying the earth was to continue destroying the
interconnection of living things, starting only where my
species left off. Rats and pigs and diseases had already
been taken from their natural habitat and sent to others
with massive ecological devastation. I would continue this.
I gathered nile crocodile eggs and breeded them with lions,
and let them loose all over nothern america. I went to
hawaii and killed the rest of the endangered species. I
gathered insects on one continent and let them loose on
another. The native inhabitants had no natural way to deal
with the invaders. I continued this untill the entire world
was as ecologically destroyed as our cities. With every
attack the earth and I felt stabs of pain through our
perpendicular nexus that we shared. We were purposely
killing ourselves so as not to suffer anymore. Life being
what it is, the carnivorous fed on the others. Life eating
life is the shadowed echo of god eating itself. We were to
put a stop to this world ruled by this demon, creating self
replicating life to constantly eat other life. The massive
ecological damage inflicted by me eventually succeeded. I
lay dying on top of my earthen companion who was dying too.


TekN010G from Australia on 2001-05-09 00:19 [#00005934]

conflicting values,...

Ideas for movie/story writing,..

Scary movies are often not scary,.. formulaes for movies
have been done to death and we have been desensitised,.. but
I think what is missing nowadays is the conflictions of
complete opposites,.. I'll give an example,..
Evil Characters in movies are always ugly,.. have a mean
look on their face, and are generally mean people, for once
I'd like to see a "bad" guy that is nicer than the good
guy,.. "the crow" got this right,.. but their were too many
redeeming parts (eg. him getting revenge) for it to work,..
it was just too happy,... so here's my idea for a whacked
scary movie

The main character is always happy,.. but everyone around
him suffers misserably,.. the more he tries to help the more
they get hurt,.. the central character is always happy
though despite the grim surroundings, the movie ends when
the central character dies of old age,.. that's it,..
Critics would be walking out just because of disgust,..
underage kids would be sneaking into the cinema's by the
truckloads,.. and all of a sudden stanley kubric movies
would seem kinda "nice".hehehehehehe....

other scary effects

pure black next to pure white,.. (actually impossible to
acheive in real life)

a cut up carved up pretty young fem, that is barely alive,..

I would like to see movies with things this disturbed in
it,.. I myself am not a psycho but I like to see movies done
by pschoes :-=)


M on 2001-05-09 20:22 [#00006000]

I've basically rejected my species so my favorite movies are
ones without ANY people in them. People can't act anymore,
the special effects look good but aren't used right. The
whole movie should be special effects and can the actors.
(ex. "the mummy") The only good actor I can think of is paul
newman in "cool hand luke". Otherwise I like "the
neverending story", "the dark crystal".


Rob Fragilenine from Australia on 2001-05-10 01:09 [#00006024]

Thanks to everyone for writing these stories. Keep them


TekN010G from Australia on 2001-05-10 06:39 [#00006055]

I can't wait to see the final fantasy movie,.. completely


Rob Fragilenine from Australia on 2001-05-10 06:47 [#00006057]

yeah the FF movie sounds good, it seems that the only
storyline it could possibly reproduce would be 8, because 7
is a bit too sci-fi, and 9 is just nonsense...


TekN010G from Australia on 2001-05-10 07:16 [#00006065]

I think that it'll have it's own independent storyline,...
and FF9 isn't nonsense,.. It's just FF back to what it was
like before technology was added (FF7) and despite the
character designs from the 80's the game f*uking rocks


M on 2001-05-10 07:23 [#00006069]

I havn't been playing these on my super nes, because they're
priced at 40-70$ each on ebay. I suppose your talking about
the playstation ones though. I doubt they'd make a movie out
of a dated 16 bit console game. I'll get the secret of mana
one of these days. I know final fantasy adventure for
gameboy was great. I did however get final fantasy mystic
quest and it seems pointlessly easy, I see why it was only
12 bucks.


hevquip from a crabs carriage on 2001-05-10 20:17 [#00006117]

the ff movie looks good, but the game is such a con. release
the same game, different characters, tweak the plot. the ff
series is outdated rubbish.


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