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i'm very bored.

Aron? from Canada on 2001-08-14 12:35 [#00021674]

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A: It was dead.


Earface on 2001-08-14 12:54 [#00021677]

Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?

A: A rape victim.


phiz from Amsterdam on 2001-08-14 13:29 [#00021686]

whats the worst thing about eating vegetables?
putting them back in the wheelchair when you are finished.


Geonime from somewhere on 2001-08-14 13:36 [#00021689]

All right, a genie walks into a bar. A midget pounds on the
bar and yells "I'm gonna give you a night you'll never
forget!" The genie says "I'll take a bourbon." The bartender
says "See that lady over there? If you recite the Carmina
Burana from memory that lady will take you home and make
love to you all night."

So the genie says "You have a drink named Eric?"


Zabinski!!!!!! from america on 2001-08-14 13:40 [#00021691]

Q: What's black and white and red all over?

A: a female nigger who I've just beaten the shit out of so
she bleeds to death, then masturbated over her and covered
her with sticky white spunk. Mmm!


Peter File from remineinlite on 2001-08-14 13:56 [#00021692]

Zabinski: Fuck off back to your White Supremacist rallies
where you belong, you cunt.


Voipla Doppl from the pub. on 2001-08-14 13:58 [#00021693]

How many lightbulbs does it take to change the channel?

Three; one to push the boat out to sea, one to fall in the
sea, one to mash the boat up.

....hang on, that's wrong....


Earface on 2001-08-14 14:14 [#00021694]


A man is on a cliffside walk while on holiday. After walking
for quite some time he notices a boy, in the distance,
sitting precariously close to the edge of the cliff. As he
draws closer he notices that the boy is crying and staring
at something below.
Our hero looks down to see what has upset the small boy so
much and notices, to his shock, two bodies laying lifeless
on the rocks below.
He looks at the small boy and says, "Oh my God, is that your
mum and dad?"
The small boy looks up at him with a tear drenched face and
replies through his sobing, "mm..m..yes".
The man ponders his situation for a while and then walks
closer to the small boy. He opens his fly zip, causing his
trousers to fall around his ankles and says, "it's not your
lucky day then is it?"


Geonime from here on 2001-08-14 14:16 [#00021696]



i on 2001-08-14 14:25 [#00021698]

Here's a joke I've never understood: Q. What's the
difference between a rabbit? A. One of its legs is both the


H3XAN3 from Melbourne on 2001-08-14 15:32 [#00021708]

NEWSFLASH: another victim has been found strangled to death
with a leopard's tale, the body located underneath a field
of discarded baroque records. police suspect the work of a
surreal killer...


H3XAN3 from Melbourne on 2001-08-14 15:35 [#00021709]

NEWSFLASH(2): an elderly citizen was sent to hospital today
after being attacked by a hard-helmet wearing man, wielding
a pick. Luckily, he only suffered minor injuries.


H3XAN3 from Melbourne on 2001-08-14 15:37 [#00021710]

NEWSFLASH(3): the cure for xenophobia has finally been
found, by scientists overseas. also, the remedy for
agrophobia is now just around the corner....


Organ Grinder from from my own little fantasy world on 2001-08-14 15:50 [#00021712]

feel free to post there.


H3XAN3 from Melbourne on 2001-08-14 15:57 [#00021713]

Q What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
A A paraplegic in a house-fire


rob fragilenine from a warm place on 2001-08-14 15:57 [#00021714]

i: I believe the joke goes more like this:
Q: Why is a duck?
A: Because one of its legs is the same.


H3XAN3 from Melbourne on 2001-08-14 16:00 [#00021715]

NEWSFLASH(4): A limbless man was arrested by police today,
after making an attempt to hold-up a petrol station.
However all charges were dropped, as the suspect claimed he
was not armed.


H3XAN3 from Melbourne on 2001-08-14 16:03 [#00021718]

When I was very young, a fairy godmother appeared before me
and said "Tom (thats my name), you have a choice: i can
either give you an incredibly long memory, or an incredibly
long penis." I can' remember which option i chose...


rob fragilenine from a warm place on 2001-08-14 16:05 [#00021719]

A fridge walks into a bar. Suddenly, a small rodent sniffs
the grass that is growing outside the huge cathedral. Just
when Harry looks around, the rodent touches him
inappropriately. 'Ow!' says Henry, even though his name is
actually Harry. 'You just touched me inappropriately!'.
Anyway, you might ask, 'What does this have to do with the
original story?'... Well, Henry/Harry walks into the bar,
and sees the fridge sitting down, drinking some freon.
'Hey... Are you new here?' asks Henry/Harry. 'Why yes, I am'
says the fridge, who by the way is named Clarence. 'Well,
UUUUUHHHHHHHHHHH!' groans Henry/Harry/Desmond, as he
approaches the couch covered in rabbits (the couch is
covered in rabbits, not Henry/Harry/Desmond/Olaf). Suddenly,
he realises that a noodle is sitting next to him... 'I know
this story isn't going anywhere, but would you like to go
out for dinner?' asks Henry/Harry/Desmond/Olaf/Conmund, 'I
know of this great nightclub that plays slosh music...'. 'Ok
then, why not?' says the noodle.
A: None of them!


H3XAN3 from Melbourne on 2001-08-14 16:06 [#00021720]

*ehem, i "can't" remember which....otherwise it wouldn't
make sense, and subsequently the humour would be lost ; )


rob fragilenine from a warm place on 2001-08-14 16:13 [#00021722]

When I was young, 758 Grandmothers fell out of a nearby
tree. This astounded me, as I had never been in proximity of
a tree. I suddenly reached out and grabbed the ball, knowing
that if I'd stayed in the house any longer I'd surely burn
up. If you concentrate enough, you can imagine 6039834.387
apples hanging from a chocolate bar, comtemplating whether
or not to eat the colour yellow. I shall not discuss further
how to dream about figs talking with horses about
semiconductor physics, as you may or may not at one point or
another know how to separate a newspaper from a camel. Many
people, however see cows this way: They are composed mainly
of moths, and sometimes like to view plastic, then turn
green. I argued with this: 'I'm arguing with this.'


hevquip from an egren's coffee shop on 2001-08-14 16:24 [#00021723]

Q: what's the distance between two blind panthers?
A: i have brass.

Q: how large is my mother?
A: rabbi.

Q: how magnificent is the pasta?
A: louder than the beef.


i on 2001-08-14 16:37 [#00021724]

rF9: The joke you're thinking of is "Why is the duck? A:
Because in reality it isn't!"


Wizards Teeth from Parsnip Land on 2001-08-14 16:39 [#00021725]

Q: How large is a dangerous flange

A: A skyscraper filled with maise would be an ideal gift for
an orphan with silver teeth


i on 2001-08-14 16:49 [#00021729]

Q: What have Duncan Goodhew and Jimmy Hill got in common?
A: They're both bald, except Jimmy Hill


i on 2001-08-14 16:52 [#00021730]

Q: What's green and has wheels? A: Grass.
(I lied about the wheels)


Clyde Polanksi on 2001-08-14 16:54 [#00021732]

An albino stripper in her '40s walks down the street; she's
dressed in a pretty white dress and someone whistles, she
starts to walk faster, another person whistles to her, she
looks around and starts to walk even faster. So here she is,
running down the street with all these people whistling at
her. She stops at a traffic light, turns around to see who's
whistling, a man staring from about a kilometre away starts
to whistle and wave his hands in the air, the woman freaks
out and starts to run across the road but is thrown off by
the man's constant whistling; she trips and falls flat on
the road, "....ugh..." she mumbles to the road. A small mini
van filled with children that like soccer comes zooming
around the corner and runs over her head, blood fills the
road and the whistling stops.


Harmony Korine from A Crack Up At The Race Riots on 2001-08-14 16:59 [#00021736]

Kenny was watching WWF with his father on the couch in the
living room. His father stood up to get a bowl of popcorn
from the kitchen. Kenny had gotten an erection. He walked
into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. He took
one of his father's girlie magazines out from underneath the
sink and began flipping through its pages. His erection
immediately went soft. He put the magazine back where he
found it and walked back to the living room where his father
was watching WWF. After a few seconds of looking at the
television Kenny began to once again grow erect. He took a
pillow from the side of the couch and put it on his lap. At
that moment Kenny realized that not only was he gay, he was
also only attracted to wrestlers.
Kenny: Are there any lifeguard positions hiring??
Swim Coach: No.


Wizards Teeth from Parsnip Land on 2001-08-14 17:01 [#00021739]

Does her throat smell of flowers or paint ?


i on 2001-08-14 17:08 [#00021743]

Q: Why does Superman wear a cape? A: To distract from
the fact that his pants are worn outside his trousers!


i on 2001-08-14 17:11 [#00021745]

Q: Why does Superman wear his pants outside his trousers?
A: Because he's a pervert!


hevquip from an egren's coffee shop on 2001-08-14 17:19 [#00021748]

Q: how large are my kettles?
A: two adding machines used by a deaf cook.

Q: where is my plastic?
A: it was replaced by 253.64879 yetis.

A: to serenade a horse.
Q: why does a convection oven have my harness?


i on 2001-08-14 17:26 [#00021752]

Q: Which member of the Beatles likes lemons? A: George


rob fragilenine from a warm place on 2001-08-14 17:27 [#00021753]

Q: Why does Superman wear a cape? A: To distract from the
fact that his pants are worn outside his trousers!

Q: Why does Superman wear his underpants outside his
trousers? To distract from the fact that he wears a cape!


Wizards Teeth from Parsnip Land on 2001-08-14 17:32 [#00021755]

Q- What is the cure for the common cold ?

A - Remove your lungs and replace them with tanks designed
for small dogs


i on 2001-08-14 17:33 [#00021756]

Q: Why does Superman wear a cape? A: Because he's a


rob fragilenine from a warm place on 2001-08-14 17:35 [#00021757]

Q- What is the cure for the common dog?

A - Remove your tanks and replace them with lungs designed
for a small cold


Harry Houdini on 2001-08-14 17:43 [#00021760]

Q. How do you have sex with a dog?

A. Put your erect penis in it's anus and thrust, thrust,


George Best on 2001-08-14 17:48 [#00021761]

Wouldn't it be more appropriate to stick your penis in its


Geonime from here on 2001-08-14 17:57 [#00021765]

i, you stole those jokes from The Man's Daddy (I think) so
fuck off.


Mr Biffo on 2001-08-14 18:04 [#00021770]

I recognised those, too.


Harry Houdini on 2001-08-14 18:10 [#00021771]

That's the point, you'd expect me to say "...put your erect
penis in the dog's vagina," but I didn't. That's what's so
funny, writing that piece, I seriously forgot entirley about

Fuck vaginas; Sodomy is the way of the future.


i on 2001-08-14 18:13 [#00021772]

Not all of them! Just the Superman ones and the one about
George Harrison. And I wasn't really expecting them to not
be recognised, knowing that someone called Mr Biffo posts on
this board. Telling people to fuck off because they're
telling a joke that someone else came up with is odd.


Earface on 2001-08-14 18:16 [#00021773]



George Best on 2001-08-14 18:25 [#00021776]

I'm just a lovable alcoholic! But I'm clean now...


hevquip from an egren's coffee shop on 2001-08-14 18:44 [#00021782]

Q: why did a priest purchase petrol?
A: because vioins are sexy.

Q: would you look at my hands?
A: no, i cannot as my eyes are turnips.

Q: what do you call 8972.49876 barracudas eating pie?
A: i dont know as i am some copper.


i on 2001-08-14 18:49 [#00021783]

More of my stolen jokes-- Q: Why did the chicken cross the
road? A: He was like a bat out of "hen!"


Aron? from Canada on 2001-08-15 05:51 [#00021959]

ha ha ha


=|R3FL3X|= from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada on 2001-08-15 07:47 [#00021981]

A guy is at the doctors office getting his normal bi-monthly
check up. When its over, he is sitting there and hes uneasy
about something, finall he boasts up about it to the doctor
and say "Doc, I kinda.. uh.. have this problem... uh,.....
my wife is too,,, you know.... loose, having sex doest do
anyhing anymore, her hole is just way too big". So the
doctor nods his head and says "ever think about getting her
surgery?" the man says "no! thats way too expensive for
me!", so the doctor thinks again and says "ever get her to,
sew it up??? on her own?", the man immediatly says "thats
gross, fucking gross, id never do that to her!" so
frustrated the doctor leans closer to him and says "you ever
just think about doing it in , the -other- hole?" the man
leans even closer and says "WhAT!? and get her



iGGY pOP on 2001-08-15 11:04 [#00022039]

I'm the chairman of the very board.


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